Kandi Katastrophe's Arc

Chapter 2 of 4

The day after the club, Willow came to Kandi's place early. She sat on the bedroom floor while Kandi dug through a pile of laundry for a rehearsal outfit. Hello Kitty toys crowded every shelf. A rainbow banner sagged over the window. Willow picked at her sleeve and watched. "You always know what to wear," she said. "You always know everything." Kandi heard the trust in it. It felt like a hand pressing on her chest. Kandi pulled out the pink outfit she loved. A tube top, a puffy tutu, black tights printed with white bones. She changed fast and turned to the mirror. Then she stopped smiling. She spun once. The tutu flared and settled. Her eyes went to her stomach, her thighs, the way the top gripped her. Fat. The word came before she could block it. She sucked in her breath and hated herself for it. Then she looked at Willow in the mirror behind her. Willow's wrists were thin as pencils inside the bone hoodie. Willow, who froze at every meal. Willow, who was sick in a way that scared doctors. And some ugly part of Kandi wanted that thinness. Wanted the sickness. She felt shame flood her, hot and total. She wanted a body that was hurting Willow. She hated the wanting. She hated herself for hating it. Kandi's hands shook. She reached to pull the top off and hide. "You went away just now," Willow said quietly. "I saw it." Kandi froze, half-turned. The lie was ready. Totally. She opened her mouth for it. Instead she sat down on the laundry pile across from Willow. Her tiara slipped and she left it crooked. "I looked in the mirror," she said, "and I called myself fat." Her voice cracked. "And then I looked at you. And I wanted to be sick like you. I wanted it. That's how gross my brain is." The words hung there. Kandi waited for Willow to pull back. To lose the rock she leaned on. Willow didn't pull back. Her face did something complicated. "That's the anorexia talking," she said slowly. "I know that voice. I hear it every day." She scooted closer over the socks and shirts. "You're not gross. You're sick too. You just hid it better." Kandi started crying. Not the pretty kind. Willow took her hand. The thin wrist against Kandi's felt like nothing and everything. "You held me up so many times," Willow said. "Let me hold this part." Kandi nodded. The stone behind her ribs didn't vanish. But for the first time someone else could see it. And Willow was still here, holding her hand on the bedroom floor. They sat a long time. Then Willow said, "You have to tell someone real. A grown-up. I can't fix this alone, and neither can you." Kandi wiped her face and, slowly, she nodded.